I've Got This Friend

I've come to the realization that if I am to survive, i must learn to be the person i truly am around anyone and everyone.  I can't expect someone else to always start the conversation. I must initiate the things I want to see, instead of fantasizing about them later.  I will no  longer be content with watching those around me live life, I will no longer be vicarious, I will be me, with my chin parallel to the ground. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HORhWtXuOT4

Present > Past

Hi one, Hi all, Hi to any who has hit the explore button and come across my page randomly(i haven't been here in over a year, don't really know how this works anymore).  I must say, I am sorry for starting our pseudo-relationship off like this, but i don't care to give you information on everything that's happened in my life since my last update.  As i read this sentence I realize I may come off as an asshole, but that truthfully would just take too much time.  Since the present is all that matters to me at this stage in my life, I currently find myself sitting in a dorm room in birmingham, al, a participant of a summer REU program that lasts for two more weeks.  While here I've realized that Computer Forensics, as it has been presented to me, is not the avenue my life will trek.  Truthfully, since being here I've questioned my very decision to major in the field of computer science, and with those thoughts again come the questions that rose after high school: What's next??  The answer: not Computer Forensics hahaha.  Simple, previously stated, and yet that's the only plausible thing that i can say on the subject.  Our entire time here we've been promised a real project and have received nothing, and it's not entirely our mentor's fault, for he's a very sought after individual, and he consults for various government agencies at various times of the day, and I understand that his time is limited.  But it doesn't excuse the fact that I've done nothing but look at a computer screen and run Maltego transformations for the past 5 weeks when I was suppose to be doing something more specific and substantial.  My only redemption is that I'm currently working on a program that they will hopefully be able to use after I leave this place, so at least I can say i did something with my summer besides sell my soul for a couple of stacks that I probably won't be able to spend too freely anyway.  However, the real dilemma that I'd like to get off my chest now is that I've come to another fork in the road.  I'm split between two sides of my soul that constantly fight for absolute reign of my future.  On one hand, i want to return to being the person i once was. I miss my passion, the ideals i once held as truth, i had a message back then.  On the other hand, I feel myself wanting to conform to the rest of society.  I wanna wear the tailored suits with the skinny ties and see myself on the front cover of GQ magazine holding up the sign for the Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity while drinking a starbucks coffee and scrolling on my new tablet device. I want progress for my people and the realization of the dreams of those that lived and sacrificed before me.  But then again, i also never wanna cut my hair.  I wanna wear tie-dye shirts, move to california,skateboard, listen to jimi hendrix and live in the middle of nowhere with people who grow everything they need to survive and have separated themselves from the rest of society.  I'm a man conflicted by my duty to my community and the things that bring a smile to my face, and I don't know which road is better. Certainly one is more respected, but who needs the respect of all the other headless sheep in the flock.  And on top of this affliction, I'm confronted with the fact that I still haven't gotten over my former love of sorts.  If you read my former posts you'll find that my hearts been compromised by a feeling of belonging to a certain soul that doesn't mutually belong to me.  I thought this feeling would be nothing more than infatuation, but I still find myself thinking about her everyday. Wondering  what her thoughts are, how she's been, what she's done and experienced since the last time I saw her face.  I even had a dream that we actually went on a date sometime in the future. Why: i don't know. I guess the heart wants what is wants, either that or I'm going mental, so i'll willfully disguise the truth with the former.  Anyway, I really didn't mean to make this post this long, and if you've survived so far, thank you.  Hopefully you've found me interesting, and i promise that i will try my hardest to consistently post more content on this blog, for I again realize it's purpose.

I thought this was published a considerably long time ago.......

Amongst the celebrations of the people and the analysis of the politicians, I fret and wonder what the revolution in Egypt really means on a more global scale.  Half of me is happy to see them full of joy and change, for I strive to see no person afflicted, yet another half has to wonder if or how this occurence will have an influence on the prophecies that have been fortold to us in the Holy Bible.  The world has seen similar things as this happen countless times, and though that thought eases my tension, i still wonder how this fits into the puzzle of the grand theme of things.  Either way, we have no say, so i guess there's no point in worrying about it really.  it's cool that i can say i saw revolution second-hand tho!!! :)   I can't say i lived through it because I wasn't there.  For the same reason i can't say i personally witnessed it either.  But i did observe from afar, and it excites me to say that i observed something that will resurrect itself in history books worldwide. Happy happy happy

                                           With Love
                                                 

Well.......today i received the news that an old co-worker of mine lost his life over the weekend.  The ailment???  I am uncertain, but that's not important,what's important is the loss.  One day while we were on the clock taking out the trash around the back of the building, he reached to his trunk and grabbed his skateboard.  i found it weird that he even possessed one since he was a baseball jock, but what's even weirder is that that moment impacted the rest of my life.  As we fiddled with wood, and faddled with pain, I remember something arising in me that told me I needed more, it's truly something thats unexplainable, but the joy and instant freedom overcame me, and its at that moment that i decided to start skating.  I can't say i really knew him, but i thank him, for he was the catalyst.  He's the reason i think the way i do, he's the reason i dress the way i do, and without his life i wouldn't be the man that i am.  He blessed me with some of my most cherished memories and feelings, and i will never forget him because of that.

I pray that Stephen Popp now knows what happiness is, and that he will remain in God's Kingdom forever, and ever. Amen.

Random Thought of the Day #1

Dude, what if immigration was like a cover for an underground plot to recapture lost territories, like every Mexican immigrant is a Black Ops operative on a mission to garner control of Texas and California.  They have secret websites and means of communicating mission updates and operative survival rates. Again, this is my randomness, bask in it.

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

ALL 4 of my followers, and any random person who happens to like good rap, which means intelligent lyricism and, then please follow two blogs: lupethefiasco.blogspot.com  &  letsgetlasersplatinum.blogspot.com(this one is more for fun).  

FOR WE ARE NOT LOSERS, WE ARE LASERS

Hi, one and all.  Usually when one presents himself after a hiatus a grand entrance is the standard requirement, however, i have no real news i would like to comment on, for i have begun the process of separating myself from the rest of the world.  In some ways it's peaceful and relieving, i feel safer than i have in a while, in other ways it's stressful because I now have to prevent myself from falling to the temptations i see around me.  But aside from that note,  I sit in a hotel room with my old man, whom i love very much, reminded of an occurrence that has labeled me host and it parasite.  About two weeks ago, on a friday night, i was leaving the cafeteria of my current place of self-education, and while exiting i found myself parallel to a group of peers that seemed to be wrapped in their own world.  As i opened the doors, i did so with caution as to not cause harm to a fellow classmate that seemed to be unaware of the door's presence as she herself was also walking out, however, the door still came inches close to hitting her and her exaggerated ego.  One of her friends decided to warn her after the near-incident that she needed to watch where she was going before she got hit, to which she replied with ignorant confidence, "NAW, CUZ I WOULDA BEAT HIS ASS!!!"  I, being the "slow-to-wrath" kinda guy I am, decided to keep walking and pay the statement no mind, truthfully i never even got the impulse to turn around and counter the blow,  for the statement didn't anger me but rather hurt me on an emotional level.  Call me soft, sensitive; I'd prefer disturbed, depressed, and disappointed.  Immediately after feeling this wave of emotions, i felt my heart rekindle all the lost hate i had for my current place of residency,  and the only reaction that seemed to appease my mind was the thought of getting as far away from this place as possible, and so i did.  I went to my room, packed a pair of jeans and a shirt into my backpack, and left the campus headed for home, all on impulse.  Along the 6 hour drive back home i of course had time to think, and i began to question why this was the only course that seemed to ease my mind, and i came to the conclusion that subconsciously, at a time when i had engulfed myself in hate, my mind decided that it needed to surround itself with the things it loved, like home, and family.  Plus the drive itself was calming, for me there's something about coasting along the highway in the dead of night, it's just peaceful, free.  Anyway, of course as soon as i got there i was bombarded with questions from my parents regarding my surprise visit, and i told them why, and they told me i shouldn't have let such a thing get to me so much, and normally i wouldn't for such things have happened before, but for some reason this occasion was different.  The next morning i set sail for Houston.  My cousin goes to nursing school there and lives in the downtown area, and i love her very much, so i wanted to see her, so i did.  Me and my mom drove down to spend a day with her, and it was very nice, the exact resolution for the situation.  We went to a famous cupcake shop called Sprinkles where it's 3.50 a cupcake, but i would actually call it money well spent to tell you the truth.  They make their cupcakes with 100 percent organic ingredients and no additives and the sort, and every bite is so moist and groundbreaking.  Although I think they lack a wide variety of flavors.  I mean, if you open up a gourmet cupcake shop of the sort one would expect wacky, out of the box, experimental flavors that one wouldn't normally see, but i digress.  i think everyone should eat a sprinkle cupcake at least once.  Then since i love sushi we went to a famous sushi restaurant there named Ra.  Awesome stuff. I even got to take a few shots of hot sake, which was my first time having the beverage by the way.  So that was exciting.  Then we went to see "The Dilemma" with kevin james and vince vaughn, i was surprised at how much i liked it.  And so ends the weekend for the most part.  I would call it a 90% success.  The only thing missing was the secret alterior reason i wanted to go to Houston.  My cousin has a friend whom i have nicknamed Pebbles, they met last year when they became roommates and have been besties ever since.  The thing is i've grown to have a strong affection towards Pebbles.  Truthfully "grown" isn't the word, I was hypnotized from first glance, and her presence lingers in my mind everyday, immovable.  Apart from these regrettably persistent feelings, what hurts more is the fact that i'm near certain they'll never be returned, and i'm scared that one day i'll look back on my life to find i dedicated it to a fantasy.  But anyway, i wanted to see Pebbles because for some off reason she has been the only one capable of pulling me out of one of my emo rage moments of depression.  She did it by rubbing my right cheek in the gentlest way possible.  I've never felt so loved.  But at the same moment i felt mad and confused, because in the back of my head i knew that in her mind she did nothing special, and at the same time i wanted to cry tears of joy, of loneliness, and of pain.  Every love poem i've wrote, past, present, and future, the ones i have posted on this blog, they're all meant for her.  After rubbing my cheek she then drew a light-hearted caricature of me, and gave it to me, and it remains to this day hung on my wall back home, and it shall remain hung at every place i call home, whether she is present or not.  Such things aren't healthy, and i now refer to myself as a crazed stalker of sorts, but i don't know if i can help it.  Plus now that i have decided to embark on a spiritual journey, even if i did have a chance at affection it probably wouldn't be the best road to travel, for i know in many ways we are and were the same, and religion is the farthest thing from her mind. So i've found resolve in locking myself away on an island, loving not her but the thought of her, and hoping that that will be enough, while knowing that unless i feel her love it will never be enough. But I try.   Even now, all those feeling rekindle, and they make me want to write, write, write away........i've been told that this is love, i'm inclined to agree wholeheartedly, but i don't believe i have the right to know what love is, nor do i have the right to tell her any of the things i've disclosed to whoever had enough patience to continue reading to this point, but i'd lie if i said i don't long for her everyday.  Anyway, before i write more, i will end this entry, and say that love controls. Everything.