Present > Past

Hi one, Hi all, Hi to any who has hit the explore button and come across my page randomly(i haven't been here in over a year, don't really know how this works anymore).  I must say, I am sorry for starting our pseudo-relationship off like this, but i don't care to give you information on everything that's happened in my life since my last update.  As i read this sentence I realize I may come off as an asshole, but that truthfully would just take too much time.  Since the present is all that matters to me at this stage in my life, I currently find myself sitting in a dorm room in birmingham, al, a participant of a summer REU program that lasts for two more weeks.  While here I've realized that Computer Forensics, as it has been presented to me, is not the avenue my life will trek.  Truthfully, since being here I've questioned my very decision to major in the field of computer science, and with those thoughts again come the questions that rose after high school: What's next??  The answer: not Computer Forensics hahaha.  Simple, previously stated, and yet that's the only plausible thing that i can say on the subject.  Our entire time here we've been promised a real project and have received nothing, and it's not entirely our mentor's fault, for he's a very sought after individual, and he consults for various government agencies at various times of the day, and I understand that his time is limited.  But it doesn't excuse the fact that I've done nothing but look at a computer screen and run Maltego transformations for the past 5 weeks when I was suppose to be doing something more specific and substantial.  My only redemption is that I'm currently working on a program that they will hopefully be able to use after I leave this place, so at least I can say i did something with my summer besides sell my soul for a couple of stacks that I probably won't be able to spend too freely anyway.  However, the real dilemma that I'd like to get off my chest now is that I've come to another fork in the road.  I'm split between two sides of my soul that constantly fight for absolute reign of my future.  On one hand, i want to return to being the person i once was. I miss my passion, the ideals i once held as truth, i had a message back then.  On the other hand, I feel myself wanting to conform to the rest of society.  I wanna wear the tailored suits with the skinny ties and see myself on the front cover of GQ magazine holding up the sign for the Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity while drinking a starbucks coffee and scrolling on my new tablet device. I want progress for my people and the realization of the dreams of those that lived and sacrificed before me.  But then again, i also never wanna cut my hair.  I wanna wear tie-dye shirts, move to california,skateboard, listen to jimi hendrix and live in the middle of nowhere with people who grow everything they need to survive and have separated themselves from the rest of society.  I'm a man conflicted by my duty to my community and the things that bring a smile to my face, and I don't know which road is better. Certainly one is more respected, but who needs the respect of all the other headless sheep in the flock.  And on top of this affliction, I'm confronted with the fact that I still haven't gotten over my former love of sorts.  If you read my former posts you'll find that my hearts been compromised by a feeling of belonging to a certain soul that doesn't mutually belong to me.  I thought this feeling would be nothing more than infatuation, but I still find myself thinking about her everyday. Wondering  what her thoughts are, how she's been, what she's done and experienced since the last time I saw her face.  I even had a dream that we actually went on a date sometime in the future. Why: i don't know. I guess the heart wants what is wants, either that or I'm going mental, so i'll willfully disguise the truth with the former.  Anyway, I really didn't mean to make this post this long, and if you've survived so far, thank you.  Hopefully you've found me interesting, and i promise that i will try my hardest to consistently post more content on this blog, for I again realize it's purpose.