I've Got This Friend

I've come to the realization that if I am to survive, i must learn to be the person i truly am around anyone and everyone.  I can't expect someone else to always start the conversation. I must initiate the things I want to see, instead of fantasizing about them later.  I will no  longer be content with watching those around me live life, I will no longer be vicarious, I will be me, with my chin parallel to the ground. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HORhWtXuOT4

Present > Past

Hi one, Hi all, Hi to any who has hit the explore button and come across my page randomly(i haven't been here in over a year, don't really know how this works anymore).  I must say, I am sorry for starting our pseudo-relationship off like this, but i don't care to give you information on everything that's happened in my life since my last update.  As i read this sentence I realize I may come off as an asshole, but that truthfully would just take too much time.  Since the present is all that matters to me at this stage in my life, I currently find myself sitting in a dorm room in birmingham, al, a participant of a summer REU program that lasts for two more weeks.  While here I've realized that Computer Forensics, as it has been presented to me, is not the avenue my life will trek.  Truthfully, since being here I've questioned my very decision to major in the field of computer science, and with those thoughts again come the questions that rose after high school: What's next??  The answer: not Computer Forensics hahaha.  Simple, previously stated, and yet that's the only plausible thing that i can say on the subject.  Our entire time here we've been promised a real project and have received nothing, and it's not entirely our mentor's fault, for he's a very sought after individual, and he consults for various government agencies at various times of the day, and I understand that his time is limited.  But it doesn't excuse the fact that I've done nothing but look at a computer screen and run Maltego transformations for the past 5 weeks when I was suppose to be doing something more specific and substantial.  My only redemption is that I'm currently working on a program that they will hopefully be able to use after I leave this place, so at least I can say i did something with my summer besides sell my soul for a couple of stacks that I probably won't be able to spend too freely anyway.  However, the real dilemma that I'd like to get off my chest now is that I've come to another fork in the road.  I'm split between two sides of my soul that constantly fight for absolute reign of my future.  On one hand, i want to return to being the person i once was. I miss my passion, the ideals i once held as truth, i had a message back then.  On the other hand, I feel myself wanting to conform to the rest of society.  I wanna wear the tailored suits with the skinny ties and see myself on the front cover of GQ magazine holding up the sign for the Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity while drinking a starbucks coffee and scrolling on my new tablet device. I want progress for my people and the realization of the dreams of those that lived and sacrificed before me.  But then again, i also never wanna cut my hair.  I wanna wear tie-dye shirts, move to california,skateboard, listen to jimi hendrix and live in the middle of nowhere with people who grow everything they need to survive and have separated themselves from the rest of society.  I'm a man conflicted by my duty to my community and the things that bring a smile to my face, and I don't know which road is better. Certainly one is more respected, but who needs the respect of all the other headless sheep in the flock.  And on top of this affliction, I'm confronted with the fact that I still haven't gotten over my former love of sorts.  If you read my former posts you'll find that my hearts been compromised by a feeling of belonging to a certain soul that doesn't mutually belong to me.  I thought this feeling would be nothing more than infatuation, but I still find myself thinking about her everyday. Wondering  what her thoughts are, how she's been, what she's done and experienced since the last time I saw her face.  I even had a dream that we actually went on a date sometime in the future. Why: i don't know. I guess the heart wants what is wants, either that or I'm going mental, so i'll willfully disguise the truth with the former.  Anyway, I really didn't mean to make this post this long, and if you've survived so far, thank you.  Hopefully you've found me interesting, and i promise that i will try my hardest to consistently post more content on this blog, for I again realize it's purpose.

I thought this was published a considerably long time ago.......

Amongst the celebrations of the people and the analysis of the politicians, I fret and wonder what the revolution in Egypt really means on a more global scale.  Half of me is happy to see them full of joy and change, for I strive to see no person afflicted, yet another half has to wonder if or how this occurence will have an influence on the prophecies that have been fortold to us in the Holy Bible.  The world has seen similar things as this happen countless times, and though that thought eases my tension, i still wonder how this fits into the puzzle of the grand theme of things.  Either way, we have no say, so i guess there's no point in worrying about it really.  it's cool that i can say i saw revolution second-hand tho!!! :)   I can't say i lived through it because I wasn't there.  For the same reason i can't say i personally witnessed it either.  But i did observe from afar, and it excites me to say that i observed something that will resurrect itself in history books worldwide. Happy happy happy

                                           With Love
                                                 

Well.......today i received the news that an old co-worker of mine lost his life over the weekend.  The ailment???  I am uncertain, but that's not important,what's important is the loss.  One day while we were on the clock taking out the trash around the back of the building, he reached to his trunk and grabbed his skateboard.  i found it weird that he even possessed one since he was a baseball jock, but what's even weirder is that that moment impacted the rest of my life.  As we fiddled with wood, and faddled with pain, I remember something arising in me that told me I needed more, it's truly something thats unexplainable, but the joy and instant freedom overcame me, and its at that moment that i decided to start skating.  I can't say i really knew him, but i thank him, for he was the catalyst.  He's the reason i think the way i do, he's the reason i dress the way i do, and without his life i wouldn't be the man that i am.  He blessed me with some of my most cherished memories and feelings, and i will never forget him because of that.

I pray that Stephen Popp now knows what happiness is, and that he will remain in God's Kingdom forever, and ever. Amen.

Random Thought of the Day #1

Dude, what if immigration was like a cover for an underground plot to recapture lost territories, like every Mexican immigrant is a Black Ops operative on a mission to garner control of Texas and California.  They have secret websites and means of communicating mission updates and operative survival rates. Again, this is my randomness, bask in it.

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

ALL 4 of my followers, and any random person who happens to like good rap, which means intelligent lyricism and, then please follow two blogs: lupethefiasco.blogspot.com  &  letsgetlasersplatinum.blogspot.com(this one is more for fun).  

FOR WE ARE NOT LOSERS, WE ARE LASERS

Hi, one and all.  Usually when one presents himself after a hiatus a grand entrance is the standard requirement, however, i have no real news i would like to comment on, for i have begun the process of separating myself from the rest of the world.  In some ways it's peaceful and relieving, i feel safer than i have in a while, in other ways it's stressful because I now have to prevent myself from falling to the temptations i see around me.  But aside from that note,  I sit in a hotel room with my old man, whom i love very much, reminded of an occurrence that has labeled me host and it parasite.  About two weeks ago, on a friday night, i was leaving the cafeteria of my current place of self-education, and while exiting i found myself parallel to a group of peers that seemed to be wrapped in their own world.  As i opened the doors, i did so with caution as to not cause harm to a fellow classmate that seemed to be unaware of the door's presence as she herself was also walking out, however, the door still came inches close to hitting her and her exaggerated ego.  One of her friends decided to warn her after the near-incident that she needed to watch where she was going before she got hit, to which she replied with ignorant confidence, "NAW, CUZ I WOULDA BEAT HIS ASS!!!"  I, being the "slow-to-wrath" kinda guy I am, decided to keep walking and pay the statement no mind, truthfully i never even got the impulse to turn around and counter the blow,  for the statement didn't anger me but rather hurt me on an emotional level.  Call me soft, sensitive; I'd prefer disturbed, depressed, and disappointed.  Immediately after feeling this wave of emotions, i felt my heart rekindle all the lost hate i had for my current place of residency,  and the only reaction that seemed to appease my mind was the thought of getting as far away from this place as possible, and so i did.  I went to my room, packed a pair of jeans and a shirt into my backpack, and left the campus headed for home, all on impulse.  Along the 6 hour drive back home i of course had time to think, and i began to question why this was the only course that seemed to ease my mind, and i came to the conclusion that subconsciously, at a time when i had engulfed myself in hate, my mind decided that it needed to surround itself with the things it loved, like home, and family.  Plus the drive itself was calming, for me there's something about coasting along the highway in the dead of night, it's just peaceful, free.  Anyway, of course as soon as i got there i was bombarded with questions from my parents regarding my surprise visit, and i told them why, and they told me i shouldn't have let such a thing get to me so much, and normally i wouldn't for such things have happened before, but for some reason this occasion was different.  The next morning i set sail for Houston.  My cousin goes to nursing school there and lives in the downtown area, and i love her very much, so i wanted to see her, so i did.  Me and my mom drove down to spend a day with her, and it was very nice, the exact resolution for the situation.  We went to a famous cupcake shop called Sprinkles where it's 3.50 a cupcake, but i would actually call it money well spent to tell you the truth.  They make their cupcakes with 100 percent organic ingredients and no additives and the sort, and every bite is so moist and groundbreaking.  Although I think they lack a wide variety of flavors.  I mean, if you open up a gourmet cupcake shop of the sort one would expect wacky, out of the box, experimental flavors that one wouldn't normally see, but i digress.  i think everyone should eat a sprinkle cupcake at least once.  Then since i love sushi we went to a famous sushi restaurant there named Ra.  Awesome stuff. I even got to take a few shots of hot sake, which was my first time having the beverage by the way.  So that was exciting.  Then we went to see "The Dilemma" with kevin james and vince vaughn, i was surprised at how much i liked it.  And so ends the weekend for the most part.  I would call it a 90% success.  The only thing missing was the secret alterior reason i wanted to go to Houston.  My cousin has a friend whom i have nicknamed Pebbles, they met last year when they became roommates and have been besties ever since.  The thing is i've grown to have a strong affection towards Pebbles.  Truthfully "grown" isn't the word, I was hypnotized from first glance, and her presence lingers in my mind everyday, immovable.  Apart from these regrettably persistent feelings, what hurts more is the fact that i'm near certain they'll never be returned, and i'm scared that one day i'll look back on my life to find i dedicated it to a fantasy.  But anyway, i wanted to see Pebbles because for some off reason she has been the only one capable of pulling me out of one of my emo rage moments of depression.  She did it by rubbing my right cheek in the gentlest way possible.  I've never felt so loved.  But at the same moment i felt mad and confused, because in the back of my head i knew that in her mind she did nothing special, and at the same time i wanted to cry tears of joy, of loneliness, and of pain.  Every love poem i've wrote, past, present, and future, the ones i have posted on this blog, they're all meant for her.  After rubbing my cheek she then drew a light-hearted caricature of me, and gave it to me, and it remains to this day hung on my wall back home, and it shall remain hung at every place i call home, whether she is present or not.  Such things aren't healthy, and i now refer to myself as a crazed stalker of sorts, but i don't know if i can help it.  Plus now that i have decided to embark on a spiritual journey, even if i did have a chance at affection it probably wouldn't be the best road to travel, for i know in many ways we are and were the same, and religion is the farthest thing from her mind. So i've found resolve in locking myself away on an island, loving not her but the thought of her, and hoping that that will be enough, while knowing that unless i feel her love it will never be enough. But I try.   Even now, all those feeling rekindle, and they make me want to write, write, write away........i've been told that this is love, i'm inclined to agree wholeheartedly, but i don't believe i have the right to know what love is, nor do i have the right to tell her any of the things i've disclosed to whoever had enough patience to continue reading to this point, but i'd lie if i said i don't long for her everyday.  Anyway, before i write more, i will end this entry, and say that love controls. Everything.

envy.....

you hunger for the friendships that you witness around you, but your personality prevents it. you really only feel comfortable around the people you already know, and that's who you're truly yourself around, and you have this mental block that prevents you from being that person around other people, and no matter how hard you try, when you do try, you just can't think, and it just doesn't feel the same. and even if others approach you in a friendly way, it catches you off guard and you start to feel awkward, and in turn they start to think you're awkward, and after a while, you're "that kid", and everyday, it hurts.

Tommy Sandoval lady and gentlemansssssss.....ssss.....sss...ssss...XP

my mind is frozen in time, i have no thought process, i just have frustration
my thoughts are bombarded at the fact that this blog will probably have to make up for past failures
my frustration wields with it an anger brought about by incapability
i'm scared that this compound of emotions can't be expresses verbally
maybe i'll get what i wanted, just not the way i wanted to get it
Anyway...........Tommy Sandoval- Ride The Sky

Homesick Zombie

And so it seems that the Lord saw fit to bless the stranded city of Pine Bluff, Arkansas with a week of probably the most beautiful weather I have EVER witnessed in my life. And believe it or not, it was also the biggest nuisance i have ever encountered in my life, because for a week straight, i could think of nada but skating.  I mean the weather was too perfect, and i had to walk to every class with this one constant thought pulling at my sleeves like a disgruntled 3 year old.  With no board, nobody at my school that skates, no place to skate, i had no choice but to die slowly every time i walked outside.  Even now i can't stomach the tension brewing in my heart. I wish i could go home and rewind the clocks back a year.  I miss the smell of sweat, the hard comfort given by concrete, the thrill of it all, the best times of my life.  So i figured I'd bless my 5 followers with some footy from some of my faves, and this will continue throughout next Friday, or until i feel that I've gotten this bug out of my system.  This clip brought to you by Cory Kennedy, only a AM, but that's been a longstanding joke amongst everyone in the scene.....Cory Kennedy (pyramid sequence made me orgasm)...(jk)....

I thought she was different.......

Why? Why are we found incapable of decision? Why can we never truly know what we want? Why, when a person has made a list of the positives and negatives pertaining to a spouse, the #1 position is held by, "The sex is awesome." ? Why does this event prevent me from determining the most shallow partaker in the relationship? Why did no one think this was disgusting but me? Why do people demand a spouse that's experienced, yet if they grow to really care for that person, they can't help but feel jealousy when they encounter someone from the past that helped them become that way? Why? Because we're stupid. The solution? Shut up.

MAN CAM!!!!!!

So tonight was also quite eventful. I really can't believe I was the force behind this, but tonight I got my friend drunk for the first time in his life, and coincidentally this was also the first time he ever drunk in his life.  He had one cup of Burnett and could not control himself! And, it's funny, and memorable, but deep down I feel kind of bad about it.  This really isn't the way I want to leave my mark on people, you know??  And now if he becomes an alcoholic or something I have to live with this guilt that I was the catalyst to the whole downfall.  I saw him start acting a little funny after he drunk my cup behind my back, and I was going to cut him off, but then I thought that maybe if he really does get drunk and experience all the side effects, then maybe he'll never drink again.  Tough love if you will. But I don't know, tomorrow is his birthday which really doesn't help the situation, but hopefully this won't end in turmoil. 

ba-da-ba-ba-bahhhh SHE"S lovin it..........

Has everybody seen that McDonald's commercial with the little black kid having to put on his glasses when he gets up to the counter, and then at the end the little female in the store turns around and gives him that look, and the announcer/commentator/both those are the wrong word but the right one escapes me at the moment says,".....and that gives him more time to do other things kids his age do???   Is it just me, or is that look she shoots him just a little bit too much???    I mean, you don't give somebody that look when you want to play, you give somebody that look when you want to "play". hahahaha  I mean I sat there and was scared that this might turn into a child porno, I mean a REAL child porno. lol I don't know, it's just a random observation. 

Leonardo Be The Man

Well today was eventful.  meaning that it was normal. besides the fact that I went running today for the first time since I've been here.  Two weeks of inactivity = me happy that there's grass on both sides of the trail, because nobody wants to step in the feces that comes from the opposite side of the body. also besides the fact that my cousin came to see me and took me out to eat with some of her friends that still go to college here.  shockingly that is probably the highlight to my current stay here at the University of Arkansas Pine Bluff, I actually had a reason to do something off campus besides drinking and smoking, breaks are wonderful.  Oh and even that was eventful, because today I wore a shirt that displays a weed leaf in the design of the adidas symbol (niceeeeee) with the word addicted written under it, and just my luck a squad of police officers were at the same restaurant we were.  So as I was walking out of the bathroom one of them started staring me down with intensity, and i thought to myself, "Hey self, the saying says i should fight fire with fire", and that's exactly what i did.  Except my fire was spread by pride and an attitude of "catch me if you can", and hers was spread by the need to fill her violent appetite for confrontation, among with other cravings.  The same cravings that people on the opposite side of the law must fulfill, but society tells her she's justified.........she simply just chose a different side.  anyway, looking back, i guess today wasn't the personification of normal.  :)

"Cuzzy T where's the restart button????"

 PSALMS !$# (break the code to reveal the chp.)
 ¹Hear my prayer, O LORD, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.
   ²And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.
   ³For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.
   ⁴Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.
   ⁵I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.
   ⁶I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.
   ⁷Hear me speedily, O LORD: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.
   ⁸Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
   ⁹Deliver me, O LORD, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.
   ¹⁰Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.
   ¹¹Quicken me, O LORD, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.
   ¹²And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.

Sunny Days

Sitting under a diamond blanket
Holding your one and only
Her skin sparkling like the moon-lit ocean.
The silence is the sign, the language, of intimacy.
Grass, bench, chair--the setting doesn't make the scene, it's the emotion.
The feeling of mutual love caressing each others hearts.
That's my definition of paradise

ONE CHIP TO RULE THEM ALL............so to speak

I never thought I'd see the day that the joys of life would be placed in one hand.  It seems impossible that the idea responsible for the formation of a country will be the same thing it spits upon and decapitates.  When something is able to contradict the very atom of its existence, it is often the greatest evil, but when one is allowed to do so without repercussion, is the greatest form of power.  Ironically the source of this power can also be placed in one's hand, a simple chip.  The computer chip has been at the heart of every social improvement since possibly the mid-80's, and now that the FDA has approved its implantation into the human body, it will now be used to fulfill the prophecies presented to us since the death of Christ.  The prophecies of the ultimate dictatorship, one world ruled by one man.  Through the disease of idle behavior and the want for convenience that we've already been implanted with, the computer chip will be used to monitor every action and transacion, trespassing every right to privacy we thought we had.  It will be the foremost tool employed by TPTB to inflict the reign of the anti-christ throughout the whole world, but this of course will be masked,  masked by the benefits that always ensue after the act of conforming, its safe and easy.  So with the pressing of buttons, and with lies of peace, this is how freedom dies.

Paradise Alaska

What if the world stopped turning, the sun stopped burning, and we were physically left in the same darkness that we engulf ourselves in figuratively everyday. Would the fear of the inevitable mask itself with guilt, or would the sync make you feel good???  Would the color of death bring to life the deepest emotions you conceal in the deepest parts of your personality?  With a confused paradigm, with a feeling of comfort, with the bringing of peace, I couldn't possibly register any other response than a simple smile.  It is when I am swallowed whole by the night that I feel the most complete, the most warmth, the most hope--the feeling is more than religious.  But then again this is probably because I am a man possessed, and just like this occurrence is not apart of the plan, neither am I.  I am not what was planned.  I am not what He planned, but I represent what has become.  Therefore I say, let come the death of day.